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Top five signs that she loves her dog more than you

Top five signs that she loves her dog more than you
A man’s guide to winning the Fluff Wars!

by Kevin Fisher

We’ve all been there, your relationship is chugging along nicely and then all of a sudden she meets someone new. Suddenly you’ve been replaced! By whom? George Clooney? George Bush? George of the Jungle? Whoever he is he’s a bum! he’s a weasel! He’s a rat! Sadly he’s none of the above. In fact he’s a she (Sacre Bleu) and he’s a dog!

Overnight your drooling, panting and inappropriate scratching has been replaced by… well drooling panting and inappropriate scratching… emanating from a 6 pound ball of fur and frolic named Fluffy!

How can you possibly compete? It’s been many decades since you were described as cute, you are not in the least bit fluffy (in fact you are virtually hairless) and worst of all you resist all of her efforts to dress you up in adorable little outfits and parade you through the town.

In the interests of relationship harmony and progress I offer The top five signs that she loves her dog more than you (and a few suggestions on how you can defend against them) .

Sign #1. The Pick up problem . She’s delighted to watch her new love poop on the sidewalk. She picks up the "leavings" with pride and delight (no matter how runny they are), but ask her to pick up your DRY cleaning and whoa…that’s way too much trouble.

Sign #2. Sleeping Dogs . Now the sleeping arrangements revolve around her new love’s habits and peccadillos. Of course the little fluff-ball prefers to sleep between the two of you (and what the fluff-ball wants the fluff-ball gets). Before you can say "flannel nightgown" you’re victim of the dreaded "Canine Contraceptive" which ensures the end of your sex life, the end of your happiness and of course the end of your lineage. Your counter move? Sleepytime Tonic ! a few drops in the dog’s mouth before bedtime will ensure that sleeping dogs do indeed lie. And while fluffy gets down to some serious snoozy business you can get up to some well deserved monkey business! (if you want to extend the animal metaphors this would be a great time to try doggie style)

Sign #3. Holiday Blues . It’s Christmas morning, she and the dog have already spent an hour opening one anothers gifts. You arise in anticipation of a wonderful morning, skip downstairs with visions of sugarplums dancing in your head. there they are in the middle of the living room floor, she looks up from a 6 foot pile of paper, toys chews and treats and tells you she completely forgot to buy you anything… but here, would you like a nice chewable bone? Before you go ballistic why not try a little Calming Aromatherapy Spritzer . Spray a little on Fluffy (you’ll get big points for helping to make her coat soft and manageable) the essential oil of lavender will help to keep you all calm, mellow and full of the Christmas spirit…well at least you will be if you add several glasses of highly alcoholic egg nog.

Sign #4. How does that make you feel? She suspects that Fluffy has serious mental issues that will take months of therapy to overcome. (while your slavish devotion to the Cleveland Browns goes completely untreated) They can’t be apart for more than a few seconds or risk permanent and irreversible trauma. On the other hand she keeps on forgetting your name, or worse, calling you Fluffy (needless to say not your actual name). My advice? A quick spritz of Shimmering Mist . The finishing spray not only smells marvelous but imparts a memorable hint of glitter to the dogs coat.

Sign#5 Speaking of therapy . The dog gets Reiki massages daily and spends 55 minutes every other week discussing his feelings with a trained professional..topics covered include food, poop, and sleep…in fact they’re the only topics ever discussed. that wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that that seems to be all SHE talks about these days!

In conclusion. If you are the victim of any of these scenarios you have my sympathies. Fluff wars rarely end well (remember the great Maltese conflict of 1695 or the Boxer rebellion of 1899) you really only have two options: either find a new girl or if you’re really smart and want to fight fire with fire (or fluff with fluff) go out and get your own dog! I suggest a nice Bichon, chihuahua or French Poodle, something small and fluffy…well if this relationship doesn’t work out it’s always a good idea to have your very own chick magnet!

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Muttrimony; What your dog can teach you about a successful marriage

The other day I found myself mesmerized by an article about a wedding ceremony recently performed in Florida. What made this ceremony so special were the participants;

"Tiffany is an 8-year-old standard poodle and Skipper is a 12-year-old beagle/jack russell mix. On Saturday they will take a break from their therapy dog roles and don a wedding dress and tux before some of their closest friends. Actual vows will be exchanged – doggie style – and a champagne reception complete with “people” and “doggie” wedding cakes and hors d’oeuvres will immediately follow".

But that wasn’t the interesting part, after all, I work in the pet industry so I see a lot of this kind of thing, the paragraph that got me thinking was:

“Skipper ditched his old wife for a younger one with Tiffany,” said Helen Savill, of the Treasure Coast Humane Society.
“The wedding is the second marriage for both.”

I have heard of quite a few dog weddings but this was the first time I’d heard of a doggie divorce. And this got me thinking; with the human divorce rate above 50% what do dogs know that we don’t (I should say in the interests of full disclosure that I am part of the divorced 50%)

Let’s crunch the numbers. Taking an admittedly small sample (me) I have heard of about two dozen doggie weddings over the last five years and in that same time this is the first divorce I’ve encountered. Given a sampling error rate of 5-10 % (I’m wrong about 10% of the time) that still leads us to the the conclusion that up to 90% of all doggie marriages are successful. That’s amazing!

So what can we learn from our canine compadres? I’ve drawn up a list of the ten things dogs can teach us about marriage.

1. Make sure your marriage is arranged, preferably by someone who feeds you regularly and is happy to pick up your poop. It’s a fact of life that anyone who picks up your poop must really have your best interests at heart. (let me also point out here that arranged marriages have been the norm rather than the exception for most of human history)

2. Your partner doesn’t always have to be of the opposite sex.
(Especially if you live in Massachusetts) Remarkable but true! I’ve heard of several same sex doggie weddings that are still going strong years later. Draw your own conclusions here

3. Leg humping is an art form, and like any art form, practice makes perfect.

4. There’s no reason why the wedding should be limited to only two parties. I have heard of several situations where three or more dogs have participated in the festivities (It also spices up the honeymoon no end) Of course these dogs all lived in Utah and are currently evading the law.

5. It’s not the size of the snozzage, it’s the tastiness of the treat…of course no matter how tasty the treat bad breath is inexcusable, especially on the wedding night! A few squirts of Dog Smog Remedy Breath Freshener will prevent this muttrimonial "faux paw"

6. Always dress up for your wedding. Tuxedos and wedding dresses, are a must, however it seems less important that the clothes actually stay on throughout the entire ceremony (I have to say however that for the majority of human weddings long term clothing retention is a definite plus…I for one prefer my relatives clothed) A little spritz of Shimmering Mist is an excellent way to class up even the most dog-eared wedding gown, spray a little on the bride’s "decolletage" for some doggie sparkle.

7. Be loyal

8. Be flexible on rule 7, especially if your being disloyal with someone who has great snacks

9. Don’t take it too seriously. In fact if you feel like going for a pee in the middle of the wedding vows go right ahead, of course your prospective mother in law may have a heart attack. and depending on your relationship with her this could be a good or bad thing.

10. …and please, be responsible, always have have your partner spayed or neutered! (Especially if you catch him with that bitch from down the street!)

These are only the ideas that sprang to my mind. Has your dog taught you any interesting lessons about marriage? Drop us a line and we’ll post the funniest, or most insightful.

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